1. Mis-pelled words.

Nothing says, “I care how professional my business seems, and I’m going to take the same great care of you!” like a slew of pelling errors, at least three per sentence.

The bold ones are awesome.  And when you put ’em right in the header?  Even more awesome.

2. Mixy navigation.

People love being lost.  Especially men.  These resourceful creatures will often go out of their way not to ask someone knowledgeable how to become un-lost, just to appear more manly.  They understand our fondness for the scenic route, and for just this sort of machismo, and they love to milk them both, you see.

Doesn’t it seem sensible, then, to cause our Web visitors some disorientation at every turn…?

Consistent navigation is the pits; shake things up a little.  Move the nav bar around from page to page: top, left, right, middle.  It should never be the same as any other page.  If you really want to spawn excitement, place it at page bottom.

(Screw “the first fold”; we’re rebels, baby.)

And finally, on random internal pages, remember to hide all  navigation completely.  Watch those “time spent per page” analytics skyrocket instantly.

 

3. Magnifying glasses.

For your Web visitors, not your website, silly.

As for you, make everything REAL teeny.  The wording, the links… but especially the page itself.  You’re not supposed to make your copy appear daunting, and it can be totally overwhelming when screen stuff is life-sized!  Fitting your website into a smaller space saves your visitors time and scrolling.

 

4. Hide stuff.

Okay, “hide stuff” isn’t a thing, but I got so excited, I said grammar be damned.

Didn’t we all a-d-o-r-e Easter egg hunts as a kid?  Clearly those same principles from our gradeschool years should apply to our websites.  I mean we had such fun back then.  Business is way too uptight.

Got an e-commerce website with shaky conversions?  Keep visitors interested by hiding your order buttons.  Know what?  Don’t even have an order form.   What a waste of bandwidth and space.

Instead, make customers leave you a voicemail or email to ask how you’d like to receive their order!  (It’s also best if you also tell them right up front that it’ll take a few days to get back to them to even find out what they want.  Suspense movies are popular for a reason.)

 5. Excitement.

Use lots of really bright colors — red, yellow, orange — to increase website conversion.  Pile them all on top of one another, like orange text on a yellow background with red highlighting.  I’ve heard that colors like these help induce excitement, and you totally want your prospects excited about what they’ll get to buy.

Speaking of excitement, add intrigue whenever possible, namely with the use of animated GIFs:  flashing neon contact buttons, dancing babies, and the ever-popular random butterfly.

Nothing says “classy” like jittering insects to help take our minds off of what we came for, which allows for some nice time to destress.

Ahhhhhh.

 

I get so excited when I talk about excitement, here’s one more example for the road:

USE LOTS OF ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!  THIS IS THE INTERNETS.  HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW YOU’RE EXCITED IF YOU DON’T, GENIUS???  AND WHEN THEY SEE YOUR EXCITEMENT, THEY’LL FEEL EXCITED, TOO!!!!  IT’S A WIN-WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(SCREW ALL THOSE “EXPERTS” WHO CLAIM ALL CAPS ARE HARD TO READ.  YOU’RE READING THIS WITHOUT PROBLEM, AREN’T YOU???  ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ABOVE AVERAGE, BABY.  WAY.)

Website Conversion Rate Suffering?

Well, sure it is.  Because you’re not doing any of the cool stuff I found here that’s guaranteed to skyrocket your results.  Try just one tactic for the fastest conversions, or start using them all today, to kill five birds with one stone.  Make sure you email or comment to tell me how they work for you!

Disclaimer: This article is intended to be humorous. Follow the suggestions at your own (and your bank account’s) risk. No actual birds, butterflies, babies, or feelings were hurt during the making of this article.  (We don’t think…)